Discover the leftovers and effects on your mental health of leaving a controlling relationship
There were 24,856 offences of coercive control recorded by the police in England and Wales (excluding GMP) in the year ending March 2020. This shows only the tip of the iceberg if we consider another shocking statistic, showing that over 87% of women have felt uncomfortable or fearful in a relationship during their life according to MentalHelp.net.
Controlling relationships are more common than most of us dare to believe and can be difficult to identify. When you are subjected to sophisticated manipulation, disrespectful treatment and diminishing behaviour it takes time to recognize the abusive nature. And once you are out of it, it takes time to recover from the damage that is done.
Any woman who has been in a coercive controlling relationship will have developed strategies to survive and these mental strategies will have affected their mental health. Long after they have left the relationship.
Signs of coercive control in your relationship
The abuser is seeking to control their victim through a systematic pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, manipulation, alienation, gaslighting and intimidation or other abusive behaviour aiming to harm, punish, frighten and control.
The following behaviours are red flags, indicating coercive control:
- Your partner wants to know or checks all your whereabouts
- He alienates you from your friends and family
- He will make diminishing remarks about you
- He makes decisions on your behalf
- He will blame you for anything that doesn’t go his way
- You are being gaslighted
- Your access to money is controlled by him
- He will punish you for unwanted behaviour with silent treatment, sleep deprivation, blocking activities or taking something you value away
Abusers usually build their campaign gradually. Starting with small random acts, before it gets more serious and intense. Once you start noticing and admitting something is not right, you are knee deep in it and already mentally affected.
During the period of abuse you will have lost your confidence and sense of self. And once you have freed yourself from your abuser, there will some lasting effects, which might make you prone to more abuse.
These leftovers are ingrained in your system and you don’t even realise how damaging they are for your mental health and well-being.
The five ‘automatic pilot’ reactions experienced by victims of coercive control:
- What have I done wrong? It is my fault?
Your default mental position is to take the blame. After years of having been accused of everything that didn’t go the way you controller wanted, your first thought always is: ‘Where did I fail, what error did I make?’ Even if you weren’t involved in the first place. As a result you feel responsible for situations that have nothing to do with you and that is creating feelings of guilt and anxiety.
2. Craving kindness
Having been deprived from kindness, you now hanker for it. You will do anything to be on the receiving end and people pleasing is a way to make sure you get that kindness. People pleasing means you make other people’s needs more important than your own, which can lead to self-deprivation and damaging your confidence and self-worth.
3. Being tuned into the needs of others
You learned to tune into the moods and needs of your controlling partner in order to choose the responses that would keep you safe. This skill makes it easy for you to pick up on other people’s needs. And before you know it, you are busy helping them solve their problems. The danger is that you ignore your own needs.
4. Struggling with setting boundaries
For years you haven’t paid attention to what you wanted and now it is difficult to recognize your needs and make sure that they are met. Setting boundaries as in saying ‘no’ and ‘stop’ to others is a way to protect yourself. Even though you know it is the right thing to do, you find it confrontational to speak up. In the past that always led to arguments.
5. Being a doer, focused on making things better for others
Having been trained by your controller to be available and offer your time, energy and resources at any time to suit him, has made you someone who is used to put an effort in. Most of the time for others, not for yourself.
These typical behaviours are leftovers of an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, if they are not addressed, they can easily attract other abusers or abusive situations.
Do you find yourself applying these behaviours? Address them one by one, either by yourself or with the help of a professional.
I have been a victim of a controlling relationships (yes, several) and it took me years to acknowledge my self-worth and recognize what I needed to be happy. I learned to put up boundaries, so I could honour that self-worth. Building a loving and respectful connection with myself has made all the difference. In my coaching now, I help clients to build that BFF (best friend forever) relationship.
Mariette offers a free coaching call. Book yours through https://mariettejansencoaching.youcanbook.me/
You may also enjoy reading https://darlingmagazine.co.uk/wellness/the-little-voice-with-big-impact-darlings-dr-de-stress-mariette-jansen-talks-about-imposter-syndrome/
