The couple walks in, sits down heavily and says – we fight too much.

We have all bought into the notion that if we love each other there will only be harmony and contentment. If only. We know that we have to work at our relationships. Anyone who has a successful marriage will know that there are moments when there is disconnection. There are moments when we are unhappy. The secret to a happy marriage is to embrace those moments and not to shun them. The greatest problem is that we are not taught how to argue or in my language, ‘negotiate differences’.

A good relationship is a sequence of connections, moments of disconnection, negotiation and then reconnection. The beauty of a healthy relationship is when we are able to navigate our way through these moments. Negotiation and reconnection bring depth to a relationship. If we were always feeling super connected we fall into the trap of taking our partner for granted. We are so contented we stop noticing. When we have a moment of disconnection it forces us to look more deeply into the relationship. When we move into reconnection we have repaired the gap and made the relationship stronger. When a relationship is constantly in the phase of disconnect there is the danger that we move further away we become polarised. So, in order to be happy forever after, we need that healthy balance of acknowledging that our partner is not our clone and be willing to communicate so that when we do disagree we know how to get back to harmony.

Pam Custers is an experienced therapist working with individuals, couples and families. MA. BA (Psych) Hons and is RELATE trained. 07572 841388
MBACP (accredited)