As her debut novel reaches English-speaking readers, Relinde de Graaf highlights a grief that many women are told to silence
BY FRANCESCA RAPISARDA
When Dutch actress and author Relinde de Graaf was told by doctors that she and her husband would not be able to conceive again, the diagnosis came wrapped in clinical understatement. Reduced male fertility, early menopause, and what a doctor described as “an unfortunate combination” brought an abrupt end to the family she had imagined.
De Graaf already had a son, born in 2016. After a miscarriage and multiple unsuccessful fertility treatments, including rounds of intrauterine insemination (IUI) and two cycles of ICSI, she was forced to confront a reality that many women experience quietly: the grief of secondary infertility. It is a form of loss that rarely receives public recognition and is often dismissed with a single phrase: at least you already have a child.
That silence, and the pressure to suppress grief in the name of gratitude, became the emotional core of The Life I Have, de Graaf’s debut novel. First published in Dutch in October 2024 under the title Het is goed zo, the book has since drawn national media attention and been nominated for the Dutch literary award Literaire Parel. Its English translation will be released as an e-book on Amazon on 16 December 2025.
Secondary infertility affects an estimated one in ten couples, yet de Graaf says she struggled to find language, or representation, for her experience. “Whenever I shared my grief, people would say, ‘But you’ve already got a child, be grateful,’” she recalls. “It made me feel as though my sadness wasn’t allowed to exist.”
That social discomfort around holding gratitude and loss at the same time is something de Graaf believes is deeply ingrained. Well-meaning responses often rush to neutralise pain, she says, rather than allowing space for it. “People think they’re helping by steering sadness into something positive. But grief needs space. When it’s shut down with platitudes, it becomes lonelier.”
In The Life I Have, de Graaf weaves secondary infertility into a broader exploration of identity, expectation, and womanhood. The novel follows an actress writing a book, the very book the reader is holding, blurring the line between fiction and non-fiction. The structure reflects what de Graaf describes as the instability that emerges when long-held expectations collapse.
While the story is not autobiographical, the emotional landscape is drawn directly from lived experience. “I wanted to give this grief visibility,” she says, “but without turning the novel into something heavy or didactic.” Instead, the book balances humour and lightness with emotional depth, challenging the assumption that serious subjects must be treated solemnly to be legitimate.
One of the most misunderstood aspects of secondary infertility, de Graaf argues, is the idea of “living loss,” grieving a future that never materialised. “You’re mourning something that never existed, but in your heart, it was already real,” she explains. “That’s why comparing grief is so damaging. Someone else’s pain doesn’t invalidate yours.”
That comparison culture became painfully clear following the book’s release. While many readers reached out with messages of recognition and relief, others responded with hostility, accusing de Graaf of having no right to speak because others had it worse. For her, those reactions only reinforced the need for the conversation. “If we only allow grief to exist at the highest level of suffering, no one is ever permitted to be sad.”
Beyond infertility, the novel interrogates the broader cultural belief that life is fully controllable, that with enough effort, the right diet, or the right mindset, desired outcomes can be achieved. De Graaf challenges that narrative, particularly as it relates to women’s bodies. “Not everything can be fixed,” she says. “And when things don’t work out, that shouldn’t be a source of shame.”
Writing the novel became a way to process grief and transform it into something connective. Since publication, de Graaf has received messages from readers who say the book gave them permission to speak openly for the first time. Some described conversations with partners, siblings, or friends that had never happened before. “That’s when I realised the story was doing what I hoped it would, opening space.”
The English edition of The Life I Have has been rewritten and relocated to York, making the story more accessible to English-speaking readers while preserving its emotional core. De Graaf says she is excited, and cautiously nervous, to introduce the novel to a wider audience. “Above all, I hope it sparks conversation,” she says. “That’s the real goal.”
The English e-book edition of The Life I Have will be released on Amazon on 16 December 2025. From 17 to 19 December, the e-book will be available to download free of charge as part of a limited promotion.
You might enjoy more articles Here/
